I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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