I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
