in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
