That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
