I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
