There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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