why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
