I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
