Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
