I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
