Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
