ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
