she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
