you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
