wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
