Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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