i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
