You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
