Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
