I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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