just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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