when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
