im about as happy as oj after his trial
This house was built for laser tag.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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