she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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