how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
