When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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