totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
