This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
