Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
