he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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