So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
