nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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