On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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