The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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