Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
