Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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