its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
