I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
