i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
