Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
