Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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