I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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