I am spending my child support on dildos
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
