i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
