Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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