new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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