Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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