I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
