If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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