He uses pillows to masturbate.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
