you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
