Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
How's work?
Spinning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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