Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
