Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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