2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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