bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
