No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
