my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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