She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
